It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

Old age is no place for sissies.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Girls used to come up to me and say, “My sister loves you.” Now they say, “My mother loves you.”

I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.

He’s as old as some trees.

The gods bestowed on Max [Beerbohm] the gift of perpetual old age.

The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.

He is so old… when he was in school they didn’t teach history!

Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette; we passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Middle-age is the time of life, that a man first notices – in his wife.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I believe in loyalty… when a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.