Retire? … I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.

The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have remembrances of what never happened.

I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.

People who say you’re just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age.

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

I was born nine months premature.

I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

I don’t need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

The average age of our bench is deceased.

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?

Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.