The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

She may very well pass for forty three… in the dusk with the light behind her.

If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won’t die young.

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles.

Young people should be helped, sheltered, ignored, and clubbed if necessary.

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Old age is no place for sissies.

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age.

Middle Age: That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.

You’re never too old to become younger.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so… retired mermaids.

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.