A woman is as young as her knees.

I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.

Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

When I broke in, they didn’t have bats – we just grabbed the branch of a tree.

You know you’re getting old when everything dries up or leaks.

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

I’m 34 years old; I thought I’d be divorced by now.

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can’t suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.