The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
Americans always try to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
America is a land where men govern, but women rule.
A Canadian is merely an unarmed American with health care.
That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries.
Ten men in the country could buy the world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.
Where else but in America could the women’s liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
The greatest American superstition is belief in facts.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn’t where I left it.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks
There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.
It’s better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
If you wet your feet your throat will reject. If you ‘wet’ your throat your feet will reject.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.
To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.