In America, your work determines your marks; in Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

America is one long expectoration.

New Jersey is to America as America is to the world.

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

I dropped out of West Point to become a comedian… probably the greatest service I will ever do for my country.

We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

England and America are two countries separated by a common language.

My God, we’ve had cloning in the South for years… it’s called cousins.

I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… an Arctic region covered with ice.

I went to San Francisco; I found someone’s heart.

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.

Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

In this country you’re guilty until proven wealthy.

I’ve always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.