My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her … or something like that.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Logic is a systematic method to coming to the wrong answer with confidence.
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!