Middle Age: That time of life when you’d rather not have a good time than recover from it.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

Everybody wants to live forever, but nobody wants to grow old.

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

I’ve always said that in politics, your enemies can’t hurt you, but your friends will kill you.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

I’m like old wine; they don’t bring me out very often, but I’m well preserved.

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

Old age is like everything else; to make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

I refuse to admit I’m more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

Between the ages of twelve and seventeen, a child may see his parents age twenty years.

I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute — and I do!

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.