The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

Senescence begins and middle age ends, the day your descendants outnumber your friends.

Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

Women are as old as they feel and men are old when they lose their feelings.

When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

When you are about 35 years old, something terrible always happens to music.

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.