No child throws up in the bathroom.
Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.
To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.
What’s the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?
A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.
Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.
What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.
Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
If it tastes good, you can’t have it; if it tastes awful, you’d better clean your plate.
With the birth of a child you lose two novels.
You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Bud, don’t be jealous, you’re both of our children. It’s just that Kelly’s our favorite now.