An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
Kids say the darndest things.
Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
There is no more somber enemy of good art than the pram in the hall.
You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!
I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.
Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!
I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your children.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.