It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”
My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.
I thought my doctor said I was heading for a rave.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.
I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.
One finger in the throat and one in the rectum makes a good diagnostician.
My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot; finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.