I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Jesus loves you, it’s everybody else that thinks you’re an a…
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Bombs don’t kill people, explosions kill people.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.