I hate two-faced people. It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.

I dont care or think about the people in my past… there is some reason why they didn’t make it to my future!

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”

Ask me about my vow of silence.