The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
You want to look younger… rent smaller children.
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Out of the mouth of babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
Kids are wonderful… I like mine barbecued.
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.
Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.
Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.
I can’t have kids because I have white couches.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.