The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Don’t sweat the petty things….or pet the sweaty things
Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don’t meet trouble halfway; it’s quite capable of making the whole journey.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’ till you can find a rock.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Demolition workers are the jolliest men in every country.
Death. How nice. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good