I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I souport publik edekasion.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just would not listen.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panty hose on fire.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I can’t dial 911 – there’s no 11 on my phone.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.