If God is dead, who will save the Queen?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool about it.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.