Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

I’m reading a very interesting book on anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you want divine justice, die.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you think there’s good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

If you can read this, you’re in range.