Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don’t know I’m using blanks.

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.

Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.

When your first baby drops its doll, you sterilize it; when your second baby drops its doll, you tell the dog to “Fetch.”

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.

I had an advantage – I slept with his mother.

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

You make ‘em, I amuse ‘em.