It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.

I thought my doctor said I was heading for a rave.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

One finger in the throat and one in the rectum makes a good diagnostician.

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot; finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.