We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

“I don’t want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is”

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

If you can’t get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge..

Everybody in my family follows the medical profession. They’re all lawyers.”

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

Animals aren’t as stupid as people think: after all, they don’t have any lawyers.

There are two kinds of lawyers — those who know the law and those who know the judge.

A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.

It’s not a shortage of judges that causes the problems in our courts; it’s the excess of lawyers.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig is at home in the mud.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their profession. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator — It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?… He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Father talking to his son: “Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you’re a lawyer.”