One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
Life is just one damned thing after another.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile–hoping it will eat him last.
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.
Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.