The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional to the length of the passing zone.

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space.

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don’t make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy… Read more »

One time, I got pulled over at four a.m.; I was fined seventy-five dollars for being intoxicated and four-hundred for being with the Phillies.

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

Bus Driver: A person who tells people where to get off.

The only cultural advantage L.A. has over New York is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.