It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.

You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that’s how I was raised and I turned out TV.

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don’t know I’m using blanks.

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.