Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.

Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Go away kid, you bother me.

A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Kids say the darndest things.

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.