Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

You might be a redneck if… you removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

The sun always rises in the baby’s bedroom window.