Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

Smack your child every day; if you don’t know why – he does.

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible… and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.

A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.