Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her … or something like that.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.