Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Demolition workers are the jolliest men in every country.
Death. How nice. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
A closed mouth gathers no feet
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Be nice to your kids – they’ll pick your nursing home!