I doubt, therefore I might be.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I can’t dial 911 – there’s no 11 on my phone.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Home is where you hang your @.

Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.

Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalgraphically challenged.

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.