I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I souport publik edekasion.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just would not listen.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panty hose on fire.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.