I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

A joke is a very serious thing

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

Ambition is the last refuge of the failure

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.