Category Archives: Brain One Liners

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they turn it into TV shows

Never trust a man with short legs – his brains are too near his bottom

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade

I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

The Wonderbra is not a step forward for women. Nothing that hurts that much is a step forward for women.

Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from

Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and… Read more »

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her