Remember, it’s not what you do… it’s what you get away with.

I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.

You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

How is education going to make me smarter?

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “You did this.”

If you can’t beat the record, you can beat up its owner.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.

Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.