Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.

Do you know why kosher meat is way more expensive? … Jewish animals are better negotiators.

Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes… why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum.

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.

Gnats, mosquitoes, and other flying pests are more likely to go for the ears, eyes, nose, and throat when both hands are in use.

Heaven goes by favor; for if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

You might be a redneck if… you’re banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.