As a nation we are dedicated to keeping physically fit – and parking as close to the stadium as possible.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

What middle class? … there’s only seven people left in the middle class – who cares about them?

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

In this country you’re guilty until proven wealthy.

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

You can travel fifty thousand miles in America without once tasting a piece of good bread.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

Between here and Florida, ya got your original 48 states.

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

An Englishman teaching an American about food is like the blind leading the one-eyed.

… as American as English muffins and French toast.

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it’s just one of the risks he takes.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

We are for the underdog, no matter how much of a dog he is.

That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries.

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

The greatest American superstition is belief in facts.