In America nothing dies easier than tradition.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

In this country you’re guilty until proven wealthy.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

In America nothing dies easier than tradition.

Two hundred million Americans, and there ain’t two good catchers among ‘em.

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

American: One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses.

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everyone and still nobody likes him.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.