One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

As I get older I’m going to hear “You look great” a lot less than I’m going to hear “You look sick.”

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

When you are down and out something always turns up – and it is usually the noses of your friends.

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.

In Los Angeles, by the time you’re 35, you’re older than most of the buildings.

Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

You don’t have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

It is a sobering thought, that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.

Senility: A cleansing of the mental blackboard shortly before class is dismissed.

Senescence begins and middle age ends, the day your descendants outnumber your friends.

If you live to be ninety in England and can still east a boiled egg they think you deserve the Nobel Prize.

The average age of our bench is deceased.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

The four stages of a man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.