You know you’re getting old when everything dries up or leaks.

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

I’m 34 years old; I thought I’d be divorced by now.

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can’t suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I got my start in silent radio.

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

You’ll have to ask somebody older than me.

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

The moment you’re born you’re done for.

It’s a good thing to be old, because that means you haven’t died yet, right?

I’ve been doing it [stealing from hotels] for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.