A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.

There are no old people nowadays; they are either ‘wonderful for their age’ or dead.

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for our to amuse them.

The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.

A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time.

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

A woman is as young as her knees.

I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.

Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

When I broke in, they didn’t have bats – we just grabbed the branch of a tree.