How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Middle-age is the time of life, that a man first notices – in his wife.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I believe in loyalty… when a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.

Forty: The most difficult age for a woman to pass; it often takes years.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

Puberty is a phase… fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.

Retirement is when your favourite piece of software is a pillow.

When trying to count the candles on his birthday cake, we were driven back by the heat.

At my age my back goes out more than I do.

They didn’t teach history when you were at school, obviously, because history hadn’t been invented back then.

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

I know how to make my wife drive more carefully: I told her that if she has an accident, the newspapers would print her age.

Everybody my age is getting so old.