I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Middle Age: A time of life when winking at a girl is closing one eye to reality.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in it’s holder is a thrill.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

Middle Age: That time of life when you’d rather not have a good time than recover from it.

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

Old age is no place for sissies.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Girls used to come up to me and say, “My sister loves you.” Now they say, “My mother loves you.”

I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.

He’s as old as some trees.

The gods bestowed on Max [Beerbohm] the gift of perpetual old age.

The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.

He is so old… when he was in school they didn’t teach history!

Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette; we passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.