When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy train schedules?”

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

The average age of our bench is deceased.

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

Say Satch, tell me, was Abraham Lincoln a crouch hitter?

Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

Some folks as they grow older grow wise, but most folks simply grow stubborner.

I am just turning forty and taking my time about it.

He’s skating like he’s 36 again.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

I must admit he exhibits the most extraordinary capacity for middle age that I’ve ever encountered in a young man of twenty-four.

When I broke in, they didn’t have bats – we just grabbed the branch of a tree.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in it’s holder is a thrill.

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.

Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.