I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

You know you’re getting old when kids start to dress like you used to.

A man has more character in his face at forty than at twenty… he has suffered longer.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

She may very well pass for forty three… in the dusk with the light behind her.

If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won’t die young.

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles.

Young people should be helped, sheltered, ignored, and clubbed if necessary.

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Old age is no place for sissies.