Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.

I’ll tell ‘ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

Did you ever look in a mirror and wonder how your pantyhose got so wrinkled… and then remember you weren’t wearing any?

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.

I have a lot of growing up to do; I realized that the other day inside my fort.

It’s a good thing to be old, because that means you haven’t died yet, right?

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.

I must admit he exhibits the most extraordinary capacity for middle age that I’ve ever encountered in a young man of twenty-four.

Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

The four stages of a man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.

Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

When I broke in, they didn’t have bats – we just grabbed the branch of a tree.